Dear Dad,
You’re gone now. I am so glad we made amends before you left this earth but, I still wish that we had not spent most of my life fighting.
There is something I wish I had shared with you while you were still alive, but I could never bring myself to do it. My ugly pride.
I wish I had told you that King is a walking replica of you minus the pain and hardships. So much of his characteristics are attributed to Autism. But as the years have gone by, I see more and more distinctive characteristics of you. Grandpa. He’s tall, lanky and walks with his hands in his pockets just like you did. He has a very blunt sarcastic sense of humor and is never afraid to say what is on his mind good or bad. He is going to have his way and if he doesn’t well, everyone is going to be uncomfortable. He will not stand for injustice and when he sees it, he is not afraid to make a stink about it. King is sensitive, but still quick witted with a smart mouth. He’s got an Arsenal of zingers and can deliver them with a sincere straight face. Everything from the slight curve in his back, to crossing his left leg over right every time he sits down are parts of you. I never wanted to admit this before because I was so angry at you and I knew it would make you happy. Sorry. I wish I had the courage to tell you while you were still alive.
I know life on this earth was hard for you. You endured a lot of mental and physical pain. I know you struggled immensely to accept or feel love. But I guess I’m glad you finally found relief and the true love you had always been searching for.
I had a dream about you last night. I dreamed that you were dancing around to a song you used to play all the time. You were jumping and leaping smiling and laughing! I almost didn’t recognize that it was you! I watched you dance and twirl for what seemed like forever and then it all ended abruptly. At the end I heard a happy babies voice cry out “Hi Mama!!!” It was shocking. Alarming!!! Are you in heaven with the baby I miscarried?! I think you are. I woke up from that dream with so much peace and I was a little less weighed down with depression. What a glorious marvelous thing to know you are finally happy. This does not mean I don’t miss you. I had hoped the latter part of our relationship would be the best. But I guess for you it is. And if I don’t get to have my baby, I’m glad you do. Thanks for sharing with me.
Love your daughter,
Terah
